If we met for coffee and a catch up, I’d plan it for an afternoon after work and after arriving, look through the wine list.
You’d suggest a crisp wine that I’ll order a glass of. We’d talk about the weather and how hot it was over the weekend. We’d visited Langebaan on Saturday and enjoyed breakfast at one of our favourite restaurants up the West Coast. Sunday we did some gardening and then went to gym.
We’d chat about our festive season and I’d tell you that we had a great time in Hermanus celebrating our anniversary and Christmas.
I’d tell you that I am excited about my word for the year which is Adventure. My word last year was Release and it took almost the whole year to actually put it into practice. As our drinks arrives I’d add ice to my glass and tell you that it isn’t easy when some family members hurt one and it is difficult to ‘let it go’ because ones family is supposed to love you unconditionally. And it is not easy when you see your friends and how amazingly they get on with their family and you cannot help but compare to the situation with your own.
If we met for drinks, I’d tell you that I couldn’t have done more last year. The cost and time spent travelling to see my family was quite big. Visiting was solely the responsibility of hubby and I and this was not fair (we didn’t move – they did). That after everything it wasn’t enough to simply be kept in the loop regarding health issues and hospital visits.
That the situation sucks.
And I had to release. For my own sanity.
When you’ve grown up constantly being made to feel like less, it leaves a wound. And as an adult, trying to talk about that hurt – trying to express how it felt over the years (to be the family member who was never good enough but at the same time had tons of expectations and pressure put on her) just rubs salt into it. Because I have people in my life who would rather get the last word or maintain they are 100% right and I’m always wrong, than try for a second to see things from my side.
So I released my expectations for the last time and while I’m polite and civil when wishing them for Christmas and New Year it is radio silence since. And it will continue.
And I’m fine with that.
Because I have so many amazing people in my life who love me for me and I simply cannot spend one more second wasted wondering why some family are hellbent on treating me like crap (and then resenting me for being upset). I cannot win with them and am done trying!
If we met for drinks, we’d chat about work (so busy at the moment) and travel plans for the year (very excited to visit somewhere new later this year).
We’d say our goodbyes and agree to meet again soon.
Next time, you choose the place.