If you and I had coffee

Hello Friday

Today I’m linking up with Lecy at A Simpler Grace https://asimplergrace.blogspot.com/

If you and I met for coffee I’d suggest a restaurant on a wine farm nearby.  The views are stunning and they have a beautiful outside area at the restaurant where we can sit and relax.

I’d order hot chocolate.  Spring is around the corner but the weather is still chilly and if we are sitting outside, this will warm me up instantly.

If we met for coffee I’d tell you that this winter was the first one that I embraced and actually enjoyed.  I’m not a fan of cold weather but since we need the rain, this year I loved every storm, every thunder shower, every drop!

I’d tell you that I didn’t have a great week last week.  On Wednesday night I had the worst backache I’ve ever had.  Was actually sick from it which was not fun.  Stayed home on Thursday and felt better.  Went back to work on Friday and in the evening the pain was returning but worse.  Saturday morning I was so much pain – went to get an anti-inflammatory from the pharmacy which worked but knocked me out for hours.  Sunday was better but I’m hesitant to keep taking the anti-inflammatories.  I had to cancel plans with a friend on Saturday which was really disappointing – I’d been looking forward to our catch up for weeks.

If you and I met for coffee, I’d take a deep breath before sharing something personal.  It isn’t something I advertise to anyone who isn’t extremely close to me.  Growing up I didn’t have the most fantastic childhood.  For most of it I didn’t feel very valued in my family or anywhere near number 1.  My sister has special needs and so she required a lot of love, patience, time and understanding from my parents.  And I understand that.  But while I didn’t need as much of the above, I didn’t deserve so little of it.

In my family other people were always seen as incredibly important to my parents.  So a relative, a friend, a neighbor – anyone that had a need of any sort was welcomed with open arms.  Our house was always full of people – I can honestly say that being surrounded by people is no guarantee against loneliness.  I had a Gran who loved me unconditionally and I know she knew I wasn’t always having the most amazing time at home while growing up but it wasn’t her place to say anything.  She later told me this as an adult which made me realise that I wasn’t being oversensitive to things.

I grew up and assumed that this unfortunate baggage could be left behind.  But it didn’t.  It required (and still does) a massive suitcase which I lug around each and every day.

And it is exhausting to say the least.

Talking about it with my folks has never worked.  They think they did a sterling job and nothing I say will ever change their mind.

I thought that being an adult would mean I’d stop caring about my past.  But somehow feeling invisible and constantly sidelined has made me terrified it will happen again.

And it sucks.  Immensely.  Those who love me don’t deserve to be bled on by me because of others who did the hurting.  And it is an uphill battle to remember this.

As an adult, I’ve readjusted my expectations of my parents and every time I lower them, I think to myself that they cannot hurt me again.  I went out of my way in January when my Mom was in critical care in the hospital – spending days in Worcester to be near her hospital.  The only request I had afterwards was that they kept me updated with health issues.  Health has always been something they have kept me guessing with.  I literally will know my mother has had an operation after she has had an operation.  I’ll find out she was ill or in pain after she has landed up in the hospital.  And just excuses get given each time.  In April when this happened I was upset but I lowered my expectations yet again and kept up daily contact via Whatsapp on my mother’s hospital visit in June.  I knew which day she was being released from hospital and my phone battery that morning started beeping that it was low.  I sent a frantic message saying I’d catch up later, all the best for the day.  Heard nothing.  Checked e-mails each hour.  Rushed home and charged my phone, no messages, sent another.  No answer.

Their phones were off.

I spent a night worried out of my mind, sent more messages in the morning and got a cheery reply that they were home already the day before.

You’d think I was used to the mind games after over 3 decades but there is still this crushing hurt mixed with disappointment.

They chose to move last year.  It was their decision.  But it has been my husband and my responsibility to visit them each time we’ve seen them.  And I expect nothing and ask less but still nothing I do earns the right to be kept in the loop regarding health issues.  They’ve done this for years – why am I not used to it?

We’d say goodbye and I’d thank you for listening (and promise I’ll be in a better mood at our next coffee date).

What about you?  What would you discuss with a friend on a coffee date?

xx

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14 thoughts on “If you and I had coffee

  1. Lecy | A Simpler Grace says:

    I am actually really excited about winter. It was so hot and humid this summer, so I’m ready for some snow. I’m sorry to hear you are in pain and that you had to cancel your plans. I hope you are feeling better soon. I resonate so much with what you shared about loneliness and your sister. I grew up in a very large family, and although there wasn’t a situation of special needs, I know what it feels like to be overlooked. I have a similar relationship with my parents and other family members, in that, I usually only get calls from them when they need something from me. I hope that situation improves for you, or at least that you can find some peace in it. I’m so glad you were able to join the coffee date, friend! Hope to see you next month! ❤

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    • my30somethingadventures.wordpress.com/ says:

      Hope that the weather is cooling down by you guys now. We are still getting some cold mornings and evenings this side!
      This back pain has been dreadful but I’m feeling better and glad that the Dr has confirmed it is nothing serious.
      I’m sorry that you have a similar relationship with your parents and some family members. It really is difficult and at 35 I realise that it isn’t going to change for me and my Mom in particular. Yesterday I drafted an e-mail which I don’t know if I’ll actually even send but it felt so good writing down what has hurt me over the years and how my parents (mostly my Mom) made me feel growing up. I thought that being an adult would just change how my parents and I got along but it hasn’t. I’ve got to let go of that disappointment.
      I’m giving up the idea that they’ll ever try see things from my perspective and focus on those that love me unconditionally. My main goal is to not let the past spoil my present (easier said than done). Being mindful is something I work on everyday.

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  2. Beth says:

    I’d give you a hug after sharing something so personal and tell you that I’m always here to listen. I might not be able to relate but I still understand and I’m sorry you still carry that around with you. I hope things get better. I’d tell you that I’m actually ready for some chilly weather and I never thought I’d say that after my never ending winter last year! I’m looking forward to our next coffee date.

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    • my30somethingadventures.wordpress.com/ says:

      Thank you Beth, I’ve been putting off writing this post for so long. I realized this blog is my little space to share and on Monday it all came tumbling out!
      It is tiring to carry around old hurts which (as an adult) I assumed would be sorted out. I see friends who get on so well with their parents and I wish I knew the secret! But now finally I am at the stage where I can accept that the situation is what it is. I couldn’t have done more this year and it still wasn’t enough. Time to focus my energies on those that love me and believe I AM enough.
      Enjoy your fall – we are in spring but it is soooo cold at the moment!
      Have a lovely week further.

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  3. Lauren Becker says:

    I’m so sorry to hear about your parents. I know you’d mentioned before that they don’t update you much on health issues, but I’m sorry to hear that you never got much of the attention or love when you were younger. You’re right – you might not NEED as much help, etc. but that doesn’t mean you don’t deserve it. We all deserve to have that, and I’m sure it has affected your whole life in a way and I hate that for you!! Just remember – it’s their problem. It’s nothing to do with you, and you’re trying your best. *hugs*

    I hope your back pain is gone! That’s never fun!

    -Lauren
    http://www.shootingstarsmag.net

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    • my30somethingadventures.wordpress.com/ says:

      I was always kept guessing when it came to health issues and it is so upsetting because I’ve had the conversation with my parents numerous times (as an adult) and they still don’t tell me everything.
      I love my sister and she has the biggest and kindest heart but it was not easy for me growing up. I wasn’t even 3 years old when she was born – yet I was expected to realise she was special and to make allowances without being told anything.
      Writing this on Monday made me realise that I’m always going to be wrong in my parents eyes but I cannot keep letting this affect me now. The baggage needs to be let go of. Treating me the way they did is their choice but moving on and focusing on the positive is mine.

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  4. Shann Eva's Blog says:

    I think the ones we love always have the ability to hurt us the most. I’m so sorry you’re still experiencing so much emotional pain from your family. I’m also sorry you’re experiencing the physical back pain. I’ve been having issues with my neck and shoulder since a car accident, and it really affects everything, so I can relate. I hope things start turning around for you soon!

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    • my30somethingadventures.wordpress.com/ says:

      You are right – and often family have known us the longest so they know which buttons to push. It has been very tiring carrying the emotional baggage around with me and I’m worried it is spilling over into the present at times. Last night I feel I took a big step forward and I just hope I keep moving on!
      Sorry to hear that you were in a car accident – injuries often come out later and can take a long time to heal. Hope your neck and shoulder feels better soon.

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  5. Kim Munoz (@KMunoz28) says:

    I am a fan of Fall Holidays but I get the winter blues. I found a coffee mug that says “Im sorry for what I said when it was Winter” LOL . Its that bad. Im an island girl, not a cold weather lover. A break in the Texas heat is nice for a few days max. If you and I had coffee I would tell you that I hope that getting all that off your chest helped, even if just a little! And that if you needed to vent again, coffee is on me! Hugs!

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    • my30somethingadventures.wordpress.com/ says:

      That coffee mug sounds so cool! I’m also a fan of the warmer weather – this winter was the first one that I actually just embraced and enjoyed. I love the warmer months!
      This post did help – thank you. Last night I drafted an e-mail which I may not even send but felt like writing it out was a step in the right direction.
      Hope you are having a good week so far.
      Hugs

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  6. Lindsay says:

    Sounds like you need a massive hug. I think you and I could have been a pillar of support for eachother in the last week. I’ve felt myself crumbling and wanted nothing more than a hug and a there there. I’m sorry that even after all these years, your parents continue to disappoint and let you down. I still can’t get over that you find out things after they’ve happened. Do they think they’re doing you a favor but not telling you, thus causing less worry? because really, if you think about it, I’m sure it causes the exact opposite of that. It causes worry central. It just sucks because they’re your parents……….

    I hope your back is doing better love…. mine’s been bugging me lately but that’s my own fault, because of the gym…. LOL.

    Love you and miss you!

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    • my30somethingadventures.wordpress.com/ says:

      Sorry you’ve had a rough week 😦 I must say this week feels like Friday will never arrive!
      It has been so frustrating not hearing about my parents health issues and asking them repeatedly to tell me just gets me nowhere. It would have taken 10 seconds to send a message saying “left hospital”. That was all I asked for and I couldn’t even get that. After all I’d done this year, all the travelling to see my parents who chose to move I wasn’t worth 10 seconds to send a message to. It was the final straw.
      They are my parents but I just don’t have it in me anymore to push this boulder uphill while carrying massive baggage around. Last night I felt like I’m moving forward and I wrote about the past and why I cannot have it mess around with my present anymore. Very therapeutic!
      Sorry you’ve had issues with your back. Mine is feeling better but I’m taking it slow.
      ❤ and miss you too 🙂

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  7. San says:

    Oh man, thank you for being so honest and opening about how you feel about your relationship with your parents and your place in your family. I am sure that wasn’t easy.
    I am sorry that you haven’t been able to explain to your parents how they made you feel growing up. Even if they felt they did a great job as parents, it’s important for them to hear how their behavior was perceived. Nothing they can do about the past now, but at least acknowledging your feelings would be nice (and not continuing to make the same ‘mistakes’.)
    I am sure it’s an ongoing process to come to terms with this. Have you talked to a counselor? Maybe it’d help to work through your feelings and be able to let things go more easily.
    Big hugs.

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    • my30somethingadventures.wordpress.com/ says:

      Thanks San – I started typing this out a few times and then kept changing my mind. But this blog is my little space to share things about me and Monday just felt like the day to open up.
      I have chatted to someone about it and learned a lot in the process. For instance I’m allowed to feel the way I do – I’m not being oversensitive or overemotional – as I was told so many times by my parents. Speaking about it has helped but now I need to put into practice what I’ve learnt so I can let go of the past. I’ve learnt that I need to process what happened and yesterday I spent about 2 hours writing down things and came to the conclusion that my parents made their choices and I cannot let it affect my present peace. It is a work in progress but I’ll get there.
      Sending big hugs back ❤

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