Today I’m linking up with Lecy at A Simpler Grace https://asimplergrace.blogspot.com/
If you and I met for coffee I’d suggest a restaurant on a wine farm nearby. The views are stunning and they have a beautiful outside area at the restaurant where we can sit and relax.
I’d order hot chocolate. Spring is around the corner but the weather is still chilly and if we are sitting outside, this will warm me up instantly.
If we met for coffee I’d tell you that this winter was the first one that I embraced and actually enjoyed. I’m not a fan of cold weather but since we need the rain, this year I loved every storm, every thunder shower, every drop!
I’d tell you that I didn’t have a great week last week. On Wednesday night I had the worst backache I’ve ever had. Was actually sick from it which was not fun. Stayed home on Thursday and felt better. Went back to work on Friday and in the evening the pain was returning but worse. Saturday morning I was so much pain – went to get an anti-inflammatory from the pharmacy which worked but knocked me out for hours. Sunday was better but I’m hesitant to keep taking the anti-inflammatories. I had to cancel plans with a friend on Saturday which was really disappointing – I’d been looking forward to our catch up for weeks.
If you and I met for coffee, I’d take a deep breath before sharing something personal. It isn’t something I advertise to anyone who isn’t extremely close to me. Growing up I didn’t have the most fantastic childhood. For most of it I didn’t feel very valued in my family or anywhere near number 1. My sister has special needs and so she required a lot of love, patience, time and understanding from my parents. And I understand that. But while I didn’t need as much of the above, I didn’t deserve so little of it.
In my family other people were always seen as incredibly important to my parents. So a relative, a friend, a neighbor – anyone that had a need of any sort was welcomed with open arms. Our house was always full of people – I can honestly say that being surrounded by people is no guarantee against loneliness. I had a Gran who loved me unconditionally and I know she knew I wasn’t always having the most amazing time at home while growing up but it wasn’t her place to say anything. She later told me this as an adult which made me realise that I wasn’t being oversensitive to things.
I grew up and assumed that this unfortunate baggage could be left behind. But it didn’t. It required (and still does) a massive suitcase which I lug around each and every day.
And it is exhausting to say the least.
Talking about it with my folks has never worked. They think they did a sterling job and nothing I say will ever change their mind.
I thought that being an adult would mean I’d stop caring about my past. But somehow feeling invisible and constantly sidelined has made me terrified it will happen again.
And it sucks. Immensely. Those who love me don’t deserve to be bled on by me because of others who did the hurting. And it is an uphill battle to remember this.
As an adult, I’ve readjusted my expectations of my parents and every time I lower them, I think to myself that they cannot hurt me again. I went out of my way in January when my Mom was in critical care in the hospital – spending days in Worcester to be near her hospital. The only request I had afterwards was that they kept me updated with health issues. Health has always been something they have kept me guessing with. I literally will know my mother has had an operation after she has had an operation. I’ll find out she was ill or in pain after she has landed up in the hospital. And just excuses get given each time. In April when this happened I was upset but I lowered my expectations yet again and kept up daily contact via Whatsapp on my mother’s hospital visit in June. I knew which day she was being released from hospital and my phone battery that morning started beeping that it was low. I sent a frantic message saying I’d catch up later, all the best for the day. Heard nothing. Checked e-mails each hour. Rushed home and charged my phone, no messages, sent another. No answer.
Their phones were off.
I spent a night worried out of my mind, sent more messages in the morning and got a cheery reply that they were home already the day before.
You’d think I was used to the mind games after over 3 decades but there is still this crushing hurt mixed with disappointment.
They chose to move last year. It was their decision. But it has been my husband and my responsibility to visit them each time we’ve seen them. And I expect nothing and ask less but still nothing I do earns the right to be kept in the loop regarding health issues. They’ve done this for years – why am I not used to it?
We’d say goodbye and I’d thank you for listening (and promise I’ll be in a better mood at our next coffee date).
What about you? What would you discuss with a friend on a coffee date?