The other day I realised that the grief I’ve experienced for the past 10 months is not getting better. I thought it was and that I was doing well. Then it crept back. I thought it was in check. And then it reared its head and I was forced to realise that I’m not feeling as okay as I’d like to be. In fact I’m feeling incredibly rubbish.
These days anything can set me off. A conversation. A random program. A song. Even an advert. I feel like I really need to make the move to waterproof mascara asap. I could be mistaken for a panda at times. Or an angry raccoon.
I don’t like opening up to very many people. Hubby has seen me at my best and worst and loves me unconditionally so I’m always comfortable with him seeing me vulnerable. And my Gran was the same. She loved me for me.
My Gran always made me feel special. In fact she often told me (no matter how old I got) that I was her special girl. She never judged me. She never made me feel bad for expressing my emotions. She just loved me. I was flawed and she still loved me.
I can never thank her enough and losing her has brought with it a huge amount of pain.
On Friday a friend sent me messages with the kindest and most soothing words. She confirmed that it is okay to feel the way I do. She is the one of the most positive people I know and she knew exactly what I needed to hear. And she did with zero judgement just kindness.
You see, grief doesn’t have a timeline. There is no timetable to set your emotions to and tick off as you go through them. Losing my Gran is hurting so much and there is extra loss as I’m grieving for someone who loved me just for myself. Not only when I was well-behaved, did well at school, made good choices or was selfless to others. She was my Gran and so much more. And I wasn’t the perfect granddaughter but she still treated me like I was.
She loved me. From the start and until she left us last November.
And I’m allowed to feel like I do.