It has no timeline

The other day I realised that the grief I’ve experienced for the past 10 months is not getting better.  I thought it was and that I was doing well.  Then it crept back.  I thought it was in check.  And then it reared its head and I was forced to realise that I’m not feeling as okay as I’d like to be.  In fact I’m feeling incredibly rubbish.

These days anything can set me off.  A conversation.  A random program.  A song.  Even an advert.  I feel like I really need to make the move to waterproof mascara asap.  I could be mistaken for a panda at times.  Or an angry raccoon.

I don’t like opening up to very many people.  Hubby has seen me at my best and worst and loves me unconditionally so I’m always comfortable with him seeing me vulnerable.  And my Gran was the same.  She loved me for me.

 

My Gran always made me feel special.  In fact she often told me (no matter how old I got) that I was her special girl.  She never judged me.  She never made me feel bad for expressing my emotions. She just loved me.  I was flawed and she still loved me.

I can never thank her enough and losing her has brought with it a huge amount of pain.

On Friday a friend sent me messages with the kindest and most soothing words.  She confirmed that it is okay to feel the way I do.  She is the one of the most positive people I know and she knew exactly what I needed to hear.  And she did with zero judgement just kindness.

You see, grief doesn’t have a timeline.  There is no timetable to set your emotions to and tick off as you go through them.  Losing my Gran is hurting so much and there is extra loss as I’m grieving for someone who loved me just for myself.  Not only when I was well-behaved, did well at school, made good choices or was selfless to others.  She was my Gran and so much more.  And I wasn’t the perfect granddaughter but she still treated me like I was.

She loved me.  From the start and until she left us last November.

And I’m allowed to feel like I do.

xx

Advertisements

10 thoughts on “It has no timeline

  1. Mervi Emilia says:

    This resonates with me, even though my experiences have been different. I am coming in terms and understanding with something I (long term) experienced a little lifetime ago. In a sense it never ends, the grief and dealing with the past, but also that’s okay.

    Like

    • https://my30somethingadventures.wordpress.com/ says:

      I’m sorry you are going through this. As you say in a sense it doesn’t end but dealing with it and working through it is so important.

      Like

  2. ShootingStarsMag says:

    You’re definitely allowed to feel like you do. I don’t think grief ever really goes away – it can lessen, but it’ll be there. It’s okay to let your emotions out, even if it’s just with the people you really trust.

    Your grandma sounds like an amazing woman. I’m so sorry for your loss.

    -Lauren

    Like

    • https://my30somethingadventures.wordpress.com/ says:

      Thank you Lauren. My Gran was truly amazing. I don’t think she ever realised it – she was just so humble.

      Like

  3. Charlotte says:

    Oh, my sweet friend. You are absolutely right. There is no timeline when emotions are involved and we can’t ever force an issue. If you’re feeling sad, feel sad. I think sometimes we try to put on a brave face because it makes others uncomfortable but… don’t. Feel the emotions, especially since it sounds as though your gramma recognized a lot of the things you needed and was able to give them to you ❤ That's a major loss.

    Thanks so much for sharing your story, and just wanted to let you know that I'm always here if you want someone to reach out to. XOXO

    Like

    • https://my30somethingadventures.wordpress.com/ says:

      Thank you for your kind words Charlotte. My Gran always knew what I needed and what to say and when. She could tell in an instant if I was upset and she’d just know what I needed to hear.
      XOXO

      Like

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

w

Connecting to %s