Haven’t blogged in ages as 2016 ended off on a very sad note for my family. We lost my Grandmother in November after she had a huge stroke 8 weeks before. It has been incredibly hard for me to accept that my Ouma is gone and I still find myself in a state of shock when I think about that fact. I have never felt so heartbroken and the sadness is like a gigantic wave that arrives without warning and leaves me feeling drowned with loss. That is the only way I can describe the grief I’m feeling at the moment.
The first of everything has not been easy. The first month without her. The first Christmas. The first New Year. I wish I could turn the clock back for just one more moment with her while she was healthy. There was so much I still had to say. I loved hearing about her stories from when she was growing up and how she met my grandfather and their early days together. And it rips out my heart everytime I realise that we will never sit together drinking tea again.
I am so scared of forgetting something. I have so many wonderful memories of her and I’m worried they will fade or I’ll forget some of them. I miss her so much.
So many people have been wonderful during this difficult time. My husband has supported me through this sad time with endless love and I am appreciative of everything he has done. The day he received the phonecall that Ouma had passed away, he was at my office in minutes and we drove to the frail care facility to say a final farewell to my Gran. He spent the whole day with my family doing whatever he could. I cannot thank him enough.
I’ve received so many kind words, support and love from friends. The cards filled with supportive messages, the Whatsapps, the e-mails and the hugs. Again I cannot thank all of them enough. One morning a friend at work messaged me something that I really needed to hear at that exact moment and it tied in with one of my Gran’s favourite Bible verses.
My Gran lived to 90 and I know we are extremely lucky to have had her in our lives for so many years. I know she isn’t in any pain or suffering anymore. I know she is in a better place and reunited with my Grandfather. I know all these things. The rational part of me knows that she is at peace and happy and healthy. And yet….. I still desperately wish that I could just have one more moment with her. Just one more afternoon drinking tea together. Just one more chance to say thank you. One more time to laugh together at something random but special to the two of us. Just one more opportunity to tell her how much she meant to me.